Let's get to the highlights:
- The film starts in a high school locker room, where the girls' soccer team is getting ready for the first game of the season. It's clear from chitchat that Jenny is the star player, and the coach (a woman) gives the girls a motivational speech. She mentions that the team has won four straight state championships (nice backstory for the viewing audience), then adds, "How do we make history? By doing what we've done every other year. By working together and playing as a team. We are going to get out there. We are going to remind them who we are and how we got here." Wow - what a speech!
Not quite as good as Al Pacino's "Any Given Sunday" speech
- As the team is walking to the field, Jenny realizes she doesn't have her shin guards (wouldn't she have noticed that right away)? She goes back into the locker room, which is now completely abandoned and dark. A masked person sneaks up behind her and starts whacking her legs with either a bat or a crowbar. Oh no! How did this person even get into the locker room? Someone call the coach!
It's nice to see Jeff Gillooly working again.
- The movie now shifts to a mother and daughter moving into a house. The daughter, Cameron, is mad because she liked her old school and didn't want to move. From the dialogue, it's clear that Cameron used to play for the rival soccer team and is now joining up with the champs. She is the Kevin Durant of this movie.
- The credits on the bottom of the screen say that this film is from "Johnson Production Group" (sounds fake) and stars "Hannah Vandenbygaart" (who)? Sounds made up for tax fraud purposes.
- Cameron starts at school and can't find her classroom. Some "mean girls" offer to help and purposely point her to the wrong room. One of the mean girls is Haley, who plays on the soccer team. What do you know - Cameron goes to the wrong room and walks in on a janitor eating a slice of pizza. Hardy har har what a prank!
- An ad on the bottom of the screen: Tune in tonight at 8/7 central for "Killer Body."
- Cameron goes to her second class (psychology), and guess what? The soccer coach is the teacher. A boy in the class named Paul keeps trying to make small talk with Cameron. Later, when Paul says hi to Cameron in the hallway, his apparent-girlfriend appears jealous. Who is the girlfriend? Haley! We're only about five minutes in and you can see a love triangle developing.
- During soccer practice, Cameron has to dribble past Haley and take a shot on goal. She fakes her out, then goes in and scores. "Lucky shot!" Haley insists. After practice, Cameron is looking at the state championship trophies in a display case, and Haley asks, "Is that as close as you've gotten to a championship trophy?" BURN.
Even the 2003-04 L.A. Lakers had better team chemistry.
- In the locker room, everyone has left except Cameron and the coach. Cameron asks what happened to Jenny (the girl from the opening scene). The coach gives a vague answer about how it was a terrible accident, they are looking into it, and she's going to be fine. The coach shifts the conversation by saying that Cameron needs to "lay off the late-night snacking," even though Cameron appears to be about 100 pounds. At home that night, Cameron refuses to eat her mom's spaghetti. #KetoDiet #BodyShaming
- The next day at school, Cameron takes a practice test in chemistry. Apparently, the only classes Cameron goes to are chemistry (with a male teacher) and psychology (with the female teacher / soccer coach). Cameron hands in her test, but then the soccer coach sneaks in after the chemistry teacher leaves and switches a page on Cameron's exam. Diabolical! Good thing are are no locks on these doors and that the tests weren't put away for safekeeping.
- Cameron is heading off to soccer practice and needs to go up the stairs. The team mascot stops her on the staircase, then pushes her over! The mascot just stares at Cameron, and it's creepy. The chemistry teacher runs in and yells at the mascot, "Stay there!" The mascot runs away as the chemistry teacher does nothing. Worst "chase scene" ever.
- A girl on the soccer team, Kimmie, has been nice to Cameron the entire time. She tells Cameron that the mascot is a "total perv" named Brett Nelson. Cameron then accuses Brett Nelson of the attack, but Brett says he was in math class the entire time. Ask anyone - he has witnesses. Someone else must have been in the costume. #FalseAccusations. Due to Cameron's concussion from the fall, she misses the first game of the season.
- I am blown away by how low-budget the school soccer field looks. For being the four-time state champs, you'd think they would have a halfway decent field. The "stands" are a few rows of dilapidated bleachers. The field looks like something an elementary school rec league might use.
The school is not wasting money on a decent soccer field.
- At school the next day, the chemistry teacher tells Cameron she failed the practice test. Per school policy, one more failed test and she can't play soccer. Wait - it's a practice test! By definition, it doesn't count. What the heck, teacher? Learn your own policies! Learn what words mean!
- After a cheesy training montage featuring a 1980s-style synthesizer, Cameron is cleared to play. Apparently, she's out of concussion protocol. The coach, however, sits Cameron on the bench and says she lost her spot to Haley. Oh no, not Haley! Cameron's mom then confronts the coach the next day and wants to know why Haley took Cameron's spot. "My daughter's a better soccer player than yours, and you know it," she hisses. Ahhhhh - Haley is the coach's daughter. A twist!
- In the lunchroom the next day, Cameron pulls Haley's hair and throws her to the ground. The chemistry teacher runs in and says, "Break it up!" Just like with the mascot attack, he did nothing to actually diffuse the situation. In the principal's office, the girls are told that the coach can run the team as she wants. Cameron and Haley have to learn to get along. As a punishment for the fight, they have to clean the boys' bathroom after hours.
- Cameron and Haley bond while cleaning the bathroom. Haley says that her mom was all-state and is basically pushing her to be the same. Cameron opens up that her mom really "messed up" at Cameron's last school. What does that mean?? It's never explained. Nevertheless, this is the personal breakthrough the girls need to gel as teammates.
- Haley has to do extra practice in the gym after school the next day. She doesn't want to, but her mom says she's "setting her up for life" and that if someone did this for her back in the day, she wouldn't have ended up as a high school soccer coach. Haley, despite this lecture, walks out. #FamilyBreakdown
- In what might be the most bizarre scene in the entire movie, Cameron's mom asks Cameron if she's stressed out. Why does she think this? Cameron is not eating any pizza (this shouldn't come as a surprise; remember the spaghetti disaster earlier)? Cameron asks if her mom's "late night business trips" had nefarious purposes. Oh no no no, the mom explains, that was just business. It was her dad that was the cheater. Huh? Where did this come from? The father is neither seen nor mentioned up to this point, nor will he come up again. They are trying to build drama, but this is a reach by Johnson Production Group.
- Back at school, Paul asks Cameron if she's going to Kimmie's party. Paul is unsure if Haley will be there, implying they might not be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Cameron says she might go to the party.
- The coach then steps in and asks to see Paul alone in her classroom, where she tries to seduce him! Due to the epic dialogue, this scene was my favorite in the entire film. Here is the actual transcript:
Coach: How's Haley?
Paul: She's fine. How are you?
Coach (rubbing Paul's head): Don't neglect Haley. She needs some...encouragement. Do you understand?
Paul: Not really. I thought...
Coach: Don't think. Just do what I say.
They start kissing, as Kimmie looks in through the door and sees them!
Beavis and Butt-Head clearly wrote that last scene.
- At Kimmie's party, Cameron asks Paul about his interests. He likes astronomy and points out several stars. Paul and Cameron then kiss as someone snaps a picture. (Right then, on the bottom of the screen, an ad popped up for "Til Ex Do Us Apart," Thursday at 8/7 central). The next day, the coach asks Haley about the party (which Haley clearly wasn't at), and someone texts a video to Haley of Cameron and Paul kissing.
- At school, Haley confronts Paul, and Paul turns it around by saying that Haley was using him. He tells Haley he wishes they never met. Frustrated, Haley confronts Cameron and mentions that Paul was in the mascot costume during the earlier attack. "See you on the field, bitch!" Haley says while storming out. Oh no, we're back to 2003-04 Lakers chemistry at this point.
- In psychology class, the coach/teacher tells Cameron that she failed her first exam. Based on this and the fraudulently-failed practice test in chemistry, Cameron will be suspended. She tells the coach that she knows Paul was behind the mascot attack, but she will stay quiet if the teacher gives her a passing grade. The implication is that she will say Haley was the mastermind and asked Paul to do the dirty work, but obviously that accusation can't be proven. This is very weak blackmail.
- Cameron and her mom visit both the coach and Haley, and Cameron apologizes for the blackmail attempt. Clearly, it is a forced apology in an attempt to just get past the situation. The coach points out that Cameron "falsely accused" Haley of being involved in the mascot attack. Wait - the only falsely accused person here is "total perv" Brett Nelson! Remember him?? Cameron's mom threatens to go to the police, but she doesn't.
Unsure if Brett Nelson is related to Gunnar and Matthew Nelson.
- Later, the school principal asks Cameron if she tried to blackmail her teacher, and Cameron denies it. The principal says he will "open an investigation," whatever that means. The coach then comes in and says that if Cameron admits to the blackmail and agrees to behave going forward, then all is forgiven. Cameron admits to the blackmail and is not suspended from the team.
- During tutoring with the chemistry teacher, Cameron realizes that someone changed the answers on her practice test. The teacher says he's confused but will look into it. Cameron then "accidentally" bumps into Haley and takes a piece of paper from her. The assumption is that she can compare Haley's writing to that on Cameron's practice test. Later, Cameron gets a mysterious note in her locker with an address and time to meet later that evening.
- Paul goes to the coach's house and says he likes Cameron. He is no longer willing to be part of any of this. That night, Cameron sneaks out of her house to go to the mystery address. She takes an old bike, which makes me laugh for some reason. #CarbonTax #GreenEnergy. Paul is at the address to meet her, but a car speeds by and hits him! Cameron calls the police but can't give too many details. In the most obvious statement of the entire movie, the officer says, "Something's not right."
- Cameron takes a chemistry re-test and passes, so that class is no longer a problem academically. Haley sees Cameron and says that Cameron would look "better in prison orange." BURN. Cameron then sees Haley get into a car that looks very much like the car that ran over Paul!
- It's time for the soccer playoffs (I guess they play a one-game regular season). Before the game, the coach tries to switch everyone's position on the field for some reason, but the team rebels. The team wins, but Haley tells her mom that Kimmie saw her kissing Paul. Mom denies it and tells Haley that she "got played" by Kimmie. You can't trust Kimmie, you see, because she is Cameron's BFF. Huh??
- Cameron visits Paul in the hospital, and he states that the coach is the one who ran him over. Cameron, at school, overhears the coach say on her cell phone, "It's just a little body damage. Silly to go through insurance...just pay cash." Such a convenient thing to say to fill in those plot holes!
- When the coach leaves her classroom, Cameron breaks in and rummages through her desk. The coach then returns and catches Cameron in the act! Cameron tries to trick the coach into admitting that she ran over Paul, but the coach doesn't take the bait. She just warns Cameron that she's "finished." The coach hits Cameron in the side, which causes a dark bruise.
- At this point, the movie cuts to the championship game. Spoiler alert: All hell is about to break loose. Cameron hasn't shown up yet (she's been sleeping all day with the injury), and before the game, Kimmie privately accuses the coach of kissing Paul. The coach punches Kimmie in the face and knocks her out! In the next scene, Kimmie is tied up in some sort of maintenance area / boiler room. What exactly is the coach's plan here? That they will win the game, no one will notice Kimmie is missing, and she won't say anything later??
"What are you doing here, coach? What was your plan here?"
- Cameron shows up to the game and is subbed in. The team is behind 2-0 and needs some instant offense. They score several goals in a row to take the lead. The coach, however, tells Haley to elbow Cameron in the side "accidentally." After a corner kick, Haley "accidentally" hits Cameron on her weak side, which causes her to exit the game. The coach smugly tells Haley that she is the "star" now.
- The coach and Haley go into the nurse's office to check on Cameron (isn't the game still going on)?? Wait! The nurse says Cameron is OK to get back into the game. Shoddy work with your elbow, Haley! Before Cameron can leave the locker room, however, the coach gets out a black mask and baseball bat and tries to attack her. Ahhh - it was the coach who look out Jenny in the beginning! It's all making sense now, to the extent a Lifetime movie can make sense.
- The coach hits Cameron's mom and knocks her to the ground. The coach then starts chasing Cameron through the locker room. They engage, Cameron wrestles the bat away, but the coach is now on top, choking her. Haley, suddenly the moral compass of the story, runs in and throws her mom off. Cameron then kicks the coach in the face. The girls go find Cameron's mom, and other than a few scratches, she is fine. The scene ends with the police taping off the area and the coach being taken off on a stretcher. WHAT HAPPENED IN THE SOCCER MATCH?? DID THEY WIN??
- In the very last scene, Cameron and her mom are back at home. She just received a letter from "Rundell University." The camera cuts to an aerial shot of the house as Cameron exclaims, "I got in!"
"Rundell University?"
Summary: "Lethal Soccer Mom" was a thoroughly enjoyable trainwreck from Lifetime. The main problem, besides the extremely hammy acting, was that the entire plot was based on a non-problem.
The soccer team that has won four straight state titles gets an all-star transfer student? What coach would have a problem with this?? Even if the plan was for Haley to be the star, I'm sure the team was big enough that both Haley and Cameron could shine. There was no need to resort to a mascot attack, poisoning a drink, changing answers on a chemistry test, running over Paul with a car, and attacking Cameron with a baseball bat.
Blessings to the coach as she recovers (perhaps in the same hospital room as Paul)? Blessings to the handwriting sample that never went anywhere. Blessings to the school as they now have to replace both a coach and a psychology teacher. And blessings to Cameron as she takes her talents to Rundell University next year!
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Photo Credits:
"Any Given Sunday" Speech: https://educateinspirechange.org/inspirational/speeches/al-pacinos-motivational-speech-life-given-sunday/
Jeff Gillooly: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2525055/Shell-remembered-I-talked-doing-Jeff-Gilloly-talks-regret-masterminding-hit-figure-skater-Nancy-Kerrigan.html
L.A. Lakers: http://projects.latimes.com/lakers/season/2003-2004/
Soccer Field: http://www.waterville-me.gov/parks/soccer-fields/
Beavis and Butt-Head: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105950/
Nelson: http://www.matthewandgunnarnelson.com/
To Catch a Predator: https://www.businessinsider.com/nbc-drops-chris-hansen-2013-8
School House: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:
Old_schoolhouse_Decatur_Twp_Mifflin_Co_PA.jpg
Bravo! This might be the best Spitz Bitz of all time. I'm glad you enjoyed this movie as much as I did.
ReplyDeleteStrangely enough, the best girls high school soccer teams in Michigan all have multiple players with college-level talent. I'm sure they'd be better teams though if the players all injured each other and coaches got them declared academically ineligible!
Thanks, Rick! It was totally worth it, and my wife is going to give it a viewing sometime in the next few days. It really met that delicate balance of pure absurdity and complete enjoyment. An excellent recommendation!
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