I sat down on the couch, armed with a pen, notepad, and low expectations.
Let's get to the highlights!
- Our host is former "Bachelor" star Jesse Palmer, who is most known among sports fans for his three starts at quarterback with the 2003 New York Giants. He's in front of a live studio audience, and it appears to be the same set ABC uses for the "Bachelor: Women Tell All" specials. Those are the penultimate "Bachelor" episodes where rejected women confront each other and say things like, "I can't believe you spread rumors about me in Bora Bora" and "I didn't come here to make friends, so whatever."
- "What you're about to see has never been attempted before on television," a tuxedo-clad Jesse tells the crowd. We are informed that the 10 women competing for love tonight have been selected by "a blue-ribbon panel of matchmakers." Impressive!
The blue-ribbon panel of matchmakers.
- Neil Lane, the jeweler who provides engagement rings on "Bachelor," is backstage with several of his finest pieces. They show Neil, and he gives an awkward thumbs-up. "I propose we get started," Jesse says. Booooooooo.
- The show starts with a backstory on the mystery bachelor. He's a police officer named Mike, age 29. The video shows him putting on a uniform, walking to his car, etc. They don't want to show his face, so even though they show him normally from behind, they make him into a blob when they show him from the front. It's as if he's a ghost. It's very hard not to laugh at this.
An actual screenshot from the show.
- During the backstory, we learn that Mike was in a motorcycle accident six years ago and had his right leg amputated below the knee. "Life is short," Mike advises as they show his "blob" lifting weights.
- Back in the studio, Mike is in a pod on the side of the stage; he can see everything, but we can't see him. At this point, a female announcer introduces the 10 women, along with some facts about each one.
- Back in the studio, Mike is in a pod on the side of the stage; he can see everything, but we can't see him. At this point, a female announcer introduces the 10 women, along with some facts about each one.
Contestants:
Jessica, 30. Medical Sales
Loves to party and is a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers. A person in the crowd is holding up a sign that says, "Jessica is your girl!" Ringer?
Morgan, 25. Brand Ambassador
Nickname in high school was "drama queen."
Havilah, 35. Author and Motivational Speaker
Has a massive collection of dolls.
Is Chucky one of Havilah's dolls?
Nicole, 27. Olympic Weightlifter
Likes "being blunt" and is "really happy" where she is in life right now. OK then!
Kelly, 30. Licensed Skydiver
Favorite color is pink.
Stephanie, 28. Weight Loss Business Owner
Says she loves "following dreams." VAGUE!
Riona, 29. Medical Student
Previously a flight attendant and is "proud of her calves." (The camera zoomed in on her legs when the announcer said this).
Kendal, 30. Neuropsychologist
Enjoys twirling batons that are sometimes on fire.
Alona, 41. Life Coach
She "dabbles in cheerleading" and her worst fear is "bad grammar."
Monica, 31. Realtor
Has a dog named Toby and loves to bedazzle clothes
- After the ten women come on stage, Jesse asks Mike which seven he would like to keep. So three women get eliminated before they even say a word! "Wow, this is a lot harder than I expected," Mike lies. He decides he would like to keep Monica, Jessica, Morgan, Riona, Nicole, Alona, and Kendal. So just like that, Stephanie, Kelly, and Havilah are ushered off the stage as Jesse wishes them "all the best." Blessings to those who didn't make the first cut. Hope to see you again on future ABC programming.
- Jesse says the girls are now going to "bare their souls and their bodies" as they reveal "what's most important to them." They will do these revelations one-by-one, in beachwear. Jessica comes out first and is wearing an "afternoon on the water before going back to the rental house in the Outer Banks"-type outfit. But then she says she wants to "be vulnerable" and removes everything except the swimsuit. A bait and switch! She shows Mike a photo of her family and says she hopes they can add to a scrapbook someday.
- From this point forward, all of the women come out in swimsuits. Morgan the drama queen says she used to have "anxiety and depression" but is "now over it" and points to her body. She adds that you have to like yourself first because no one else will do it for you.
- Nicole says that "physical strength and emotional strength and mental strength...[are] so important to women." What about for men? Unclear. Riona has never had a boyfriend, but her grandfather has offered to pay to freeze her eggs if she wants. Kendal works with victims of tragedy - ooooo this is a nice tie-in to Mike's motorcycle accident! Kendal has to be ahead on the judges' scorecards with that last comment.
- Alona comes on stage and would like to read a poem she wrote: "It's hard to write a poem to a man behind a wall, but here's a list of qualities, and I hope you have them all. Warm, caring, kind, a great friend. I have those qualities too, so keep me 'till the end." I object to this entire poem. It's so vague that it would literally apply to anyone. Also, Mike is in a pod, not behind a wall. Get it right, Alona!
- Monica rounds out the segment by saying she's a "hopeless romantic" and was in a car crash. The accident gave her a new outlook on life, and now she takes more risks. Good work, Monica - you're taking some of the "backstory tragedy" that Kendal was hogging.
- Mike now says to the girls, "I see bravery everyday out on the streets with other officers, but what you guys have done far exceeds that. I truly thank you." WOW - throwing his fellow cops under the bus!
"Thanks, Mike!" - Every other police officer
- Jesse tells Mike that he's allowed to take four girls to the next round. He would like to keep Jessica, Monica, Morgan, and Kendal. That means that Nicole, Riona, and Alona are eliminated. Good news for Alona: She can read that poem to some other guy on her next date, especially if her date is behind a wall.
- In the next round, Mike will ask the ladies questions, and "nothing is off-limits." Ooooo I hope he asks something about the upcoming Supreme Court nominee! Before the first question, they show Mike from behind, and you can see a chart next to him with all the girls' faces and big Xs through the ones he's eliminated. I actually LOLed when I saw that.
- Mike first asks Morgan how she feels about dating an amputee. I guess he's trying to gauge her reaction to this secret. Morgan looks like someone just said her dog died, but she recovers and gives a drivel answer about how she's open to anything and finds a person's soul the most important.
- Jessica is asked if she can handle the dangers of being married to a police officer. I see these "no-holds-barred questions" are really just a way for Mike to tell the girls more about himself. Jessica is fine with it; she has a strong faith.
- Mike asks Monica about her last relationship. She was in a seven year relationship where they "grew apart," but it's all good because she learned to "be strong" and "get over fears." Finally, Kendal is asked if she's "physically adventurous in the bedroom," and to her credit, she dodges the question and says that maybe someday they can discuss that.
- OK Mike, it's time to eliminate one of the contestants. Before Mike reveals who he wants to keep, people in the studio audience are shouting out names like on "Love Connection." Jesse then dramatically puts his hands up as if to say, "Order!" When the crowd calms down, Mike decides to keep Jessica, Kendal, and Monica. Morgan is eliminated.
- At this point, we are treated to a complete waste of time. Mike's best friend Andrew comes on stage, and he has some additional questions for these girls. So basically, it's a repeat of the last segment. Why don't they just let Mike ask another round of questions? This is even more absurd than ABC's "Conveyor Belt of Love" a few years ago.
Yes, "Conveyor Belt of Love" was a show. Google it.
- Andrew the Friend asks Jessica who her best friend is. It's Chrissy, and she's in the audience today. They show Chrissy, and she waives. Monica is asked about the "perfect Sunday morning," and she says it would be taking a hike. Andrew asks Kendal if she wants kids, and Kendal says no, she does not. She prefers to travel.
- Mike now gets to pick two girls for the final round. He picks Jessica and Monica; Kendal is eliminated, but she's told by Jesse that she's "going to make someone very happy someday." No evidence was provided to back up that claim.
- It's time for the big reveal as the pod opens up and Mike comes out. He gives the girls a hug and says he's glad to have met them. Jesse asks the girls to go backstage and think of "final words" they want to say to Mike. So they have to prepare a closing argument? We now know how Churchill felt when writing his speech for a Joint Session of Congress on his trip to the U.S. in 1941.
- Everyone is on stage, and Jessica will make her case first. She asks her dad, who is in the crowd, for his blessing. Dad nods as if he has a gun pointed at his head off stage. She proceeds to give an "I'll always be there for you"-type speech that would be sweet if she actually knew Mike. Monica now comes forward to open her heart. She says she's excited to be here and has great friends and family. She has a big heart and wants someone else with a big heart. And look, there's her mom and Toby the Dog in the crowd. Adorable!
- After closing arguments, the jury is ready to rule. Mike thanks them both and asks Monica to marry him. "From the first time you stepped out onto the stage, you were absolutely amazing. As weird as this sounds, will you marry me?" Hey, what's exactly how I proposed to Maria!
- Jessica walks off the stage disappointed as fireworks go off on TV screens in the background. "I propose we meet again next week," Jesse says as the credits roll.
Summary
I went into this show expecting it to be a complete trainwreck, and I wasn't disappointed. It was so awful, so pointless, and so poorly executed that even I had a hard time enjoying it. "The Bachelor" seems like highbrow entertainment in comparison. Blessings to Jesse Palmer for getting work. Blessings to Mike and Monica as they go out on a first date. And blessings to Neil Lane as he repossesses the engagement ring later this summer!
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Photo Credits:
Moe's Tavern: https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/102016-ye-olde-ranger-moes-tavern-general-chatter/
Blob / Ghost: http://ew.com/recap/the-proposal-series-premiere/
Chucky: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chucky_(Child's_Play)
Throw Under Bus: https://leadingwithtrust.com/2016/08/01/thrown-under-the-bus-8-tips-on-dealing-with-unfair-criticism/
Conveyor Belt of Love: http://ew.com/article/2010/01/05/conveyor-belt-of-love-recap/
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