Rock Bottom: Larry King is on an Infomercial for Omega XL Fish Oil Pills

Imagine my delight a few weeks ago when I saw a TV Guide listing for "Larry King Special Report." The program information read: "Larry King investigates Omega XL, the ultimate solution for pain and inflammation." 

Thinking this sounded like a disaster, I set the DVR. Unfortunately, a preceding NASCAR race ran late, so the infomercial didn't start on time. It was showing again, however, at 2:00 AM on CNBC! I reset the DVR and hit pay dirt.

It's going to be difficult using the written word to encapsulate just how bad this infomercial turned out. But let's give it a shot!

Highlights:

- The show starts off with a legal disclaimer saying that the views expressed in this show do not represent the views of CNBC. Fair enough. Now that screen fades to black and another screen comes on. A second announcer says that the views expressed in this show do not represent the views of CNBC. I've never seen an infomercial where the station tells the viewers twice that it has nothing to do with the trainwreck they're about to see!

- Larry is in a ridiculous studio and is wearing his traditional suspenders. A globe flashes across the screen that kinda-sorta looks like something you'd see on "Larry King Live." He's sitting at a desk with an absurd bookshelf behind him. It looks like a home office display in a JCPenney catalog. There's also clearly-fake city skyline wallpaper in the windows.

The fake-studio looked something like this.

- Larry starts out by saying that he had heart surgery two years ago, then established the "Larry King Cardiac Foundation" to help people like him. Nice plug for your charity, Larry. His sleeves are rolled up as if to demonstrate, "I'm willing to get to work."

- Larry's first guest is Ken Meares, the founder and CEO of Great HealthWorks. Ken is a chubby, middle-aged balding man with an aggressive mustache. He's sporting a blue blazer with a light-blue, open-collar dress shirt. "For 25 years, he's been active in creating and promoting good health," Larry says. I guess Ken isn't one of those "practice what you preach"-type guys.

- The second guest at the table is Sharon McQuillian, a "specialist in anti-aging and preventative medicine." She is an ordinary-looking middle-aged lady who's nodding vigorously as Larry introduces her.

- Before Larry starts the "interview," they show a taped piece that I'm sure will cycle a few times during the infomercial. Did you know that "1.5 billion people worldwide are living in chronic pain?" Where did they get that statistic? And does that mean that 80% of the world's population does NOT have chronic back pain? Betcha they didn't want you to do the math that way. BURN.

- When the announcer mentions Omega XL pills, the black-and white video of a women in a garden turns to color. And look, an older man walking on the beach with a young, attractive woman. They seem happy and pain-free.

- At this point, they show a graph comparing the amount of Omega 3 in Omega XL to a regular fish oil pill. Based on the bar graph, it appears as though Omega XL has about three times as much Omega 3. Then they flash the graphic "22x more!" on the graph. Wait - that's not to scale! And the irony is that they actually made it to their detriment. If it really has 22 times as much Omega 3, then why did the bar graph make it look like it was only three times as much?   

Larry King must think yellow juice is 85 times more popular than orange.

-  A montage of testimonials includes a Robert Redford impersonator who says that Omega XL is "greater than just about any fish oil I've ever taken." Oh, so he's had better? Also, Tony Dovolani from "Dancing with the Stars" says that he can now do more seasons of the show. The segment wraps up with Tony dancing on a stage with the Omega XL logo in the background.

- The announcer explains that Omega XL comes from the "green-lipped mussel" in the purest waters of New Zealand. It's so pure that it'll "help you live the life you deserve." This is accompanied by a mother and daughter mixing cookie dough, which is apparently the life they both deserve.

- Back in the studio, Ken emphasizes that Omega XL is the "most powerful Omega 3 on the face of the planet." Sharon adds that it helps with pain and swelling. Both of them are being very vague, and Larry is looking at them intensely and pretending to be a tough journalist.

- "Why is this better than fish oil?" Larry asks. Ken explains that you have no idea where most fish oil comes from. The fillet goes to restaurants, and then they take "49 to 50 percent of the rest of the fish, grind it up, and that goes to fish oil on the shelf." Wait a minute - "49 to 50 percent?" So like 49.2%? That's such a random, yet specific range!

- There is a second montage of testimonials. My favorite part of the whole show: A large, African-American gentleman in a rocking chair says that if you want to get rid of pain, then use Omega XL. "I guarantee it. Come find me. Look me up." How?? They don't give his name or address! How am I supposed to "look up" this person? Am I supposed to google "omega xl man in a rocking chair?" I love how he puts his credibility on the line, but with no way to actually hold him accountable!

The man in the testimonial was nowhere to be found.

- Back in the studio, Larry says that most fish oils have an aftertaste and cause burping. "I used to have a problem with that, but not anymore," he says. Do Omega XL pills have any side effects? Ken responds that you would have to take 10 regular fish oil pills to get the same value as one Omega XL pill. That didn't answer the question! I assume by this non-answer that Larry King is actually still burping.

- Ken says that most people over 55 are on five or more medications. "The improper use of prescription medication is probably the sixth cause of death today." Probably the sixth? Very specific, Ken. Would you say that you are "49-50% sure" that it's "probably" the sixth?

- OH SNAP! Larry just popped two pills on the spot. No water! What's this supposed to prove? That they are not poisoned? Goodness gracious - you can hear Larry making a smacking noise as he's swallowing the pills. This is just uncomfortable.

Larry King did not die when he popped two pills on camera.

- More absurd testimonials: A man with fake sweat on his shirt to look like he just jogged says that Omega XL helps with his joints. Oh, and he has a water bottle to add credibility. A man in a suit outside of an office building gives his endorsement. Finally, a woman at a mall says that Omega XL really helped her. I am confused as to why there are two people dancing in the background. Is this date night at the mall food court?

- Ken says that back pain will "strike 80% of people in their life." Why did Sharon just flash a creepy smile? Per Ken, insurance companies are now asking about pain. Is this an Obamacare comment? The key, Ken says, is to practice "self care" instead of "health care." Catchy!

- Additional testimonials include a man lifting lumber on a farm and a waitress carrying salads.

- Sharon says that Omega XL is "100 times more powerful than regular fish oil." WHOA! One hundred times more powerful? What happened to "22x more?" Now they are just making stuff up.

- How about this for great circular logic: Larry asks Ken if he knows people who have benefited from Omega XL. Ken says he knows someone - Larry! Larry agrees. He used to have terrible pain in the morning while putting on his socks. But thanks to Omega XL, he doesn't have pain while putting on his socks. Unfortunately, this made me picture Larry King getting out of bed in the morning wearing a t-shirt and underwear, then reaching over to put on his socks.

- A round of testimonials include a cute girl who just exercised and a housewife in a chair. No word as to whether the girl who exercised is dating the man with the water bottle from earlier. Also, does the housewife in the chair know the unidentified man in the rocking chair?

- Sharon says that she gives her patients Omega XL, but she used to recommend fish oil pills. WAIT - the fish oil pills with "49-50%" crap that doesn't go into restaurant fillets? You mean, the fish oil pills that come from dirty water? Way to just kill your own credibility, Sharon.

- Larry, Ken, and Sharon do one last segment filled with drivel. "Protect your heart...preserve your heart...it's a one-of-a-kind omega..." blah blah blah. Ken tells Larry, "you have hundreds of people...proud that you're here to help us with our message." So yes, of the 1.5 billion people worldwide in pain, Larry King has hundreds of people who are thankful for his "celebrity" endorsement.

- The show ends with a huge string of testimonials: A fitness buff throwing a tire in a parking lot; a middle-aged man golfing; an old woman who can now open a jar of jam because her pain is gone; an old person who can now "make a fist" (perhaps to punch Larry King?); a man who appears to be in a jungle who can now carry his daughters on his shoulders.

I really can't believe how bad this infomercial turned out to be. It was so vague, so absurd, and so poorly done that I'm surprised anyone would actually order this product. I fully endorse this infomercial if you are looking for a half hour of unintentional comedy. I congratulate Larry King on remaining pain-free while violently throwing away his last scrap of credibility!

Photo Credits:
Home Office: http://furniture.lovetoknow.com/home-office-furniture
Juices: http://illuminations.nctm.org/Lesson.aspx?id=334
Rocking Chair: http://yatinpatel.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/circling-an-extra-mile/
Larry King: http://omega-3-store.com/2013/07/larry-king-uses-and-endorses-omega-xl/