For the last decade, the NBA has rounded up a handful of "celebrities" to participate in a game that's fun for the whole family. It's fun, that is, if your family wants to see rapper Jermaine Dupri ball against "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent Kevin Frazier (an actual match-up from the 2005 game).
This year's game was on Friday, February 14. So cuddle up with your loved one as we go over highlights from a Valentine's Day-edition of the NBA All-Star "Celebrity" Game!
(Before you ask, Maria and I were out at the Richmond Funny Bone that night. So yes, I taped the game and watched it later in the weekend).
Pregame Highlights:
Pregame Highlights:
- ESPN personality Stuart Scott is on the court and welcomes the viewers at home. He describes this event as a collection of "real A-list stars," which immediately kills his credibility. As a cheap shot at actor Kevin Hart, Scott says that the game has "the biggest shortest actors in Hollywood." He adds that it's "one of the best collections of who's who in high-tops history." Ok, Stuart, you're laying it on pretty thick.
- As Stuart Scott is talking to the camera, the "celebrities" are taking warm-up shots in the background. I see five attempts, and they all miss.
- Our announcers for this evening are Mark Jones and Jon Barry. These two do actual NBA games on ESPN, so it's a humiliating assignment for both. Jon tells us that actor Kevin Hart is a back-to-back "Celebrity" Game MVP, but he won the honor last year with 5 points and 1 assist. HUH??
- Mark explains that the MVP is determined by fan vote. Fans can text the last name of the "celebrity" to a certain number, starting at halftime. Ahhh, so this is how Hart won those awards. This reminds me of the Winston Churchill quote how "the best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
Starting Lineup for the East:
Arne Duncan - U.S. Secretary of Education
Stan Verrett - ESPN Personality
Skylar Diggins - WNBA Player
Bruce Bowen - Former NBA Player
Nick Cannon - Actor / Host
East Subs:
Mike Greenberg - ESPN Personality
Romeo Miller - Rapper
Kristen Ledlow - "NBA Inside Stuff" Host
Wale - Rapper
Coach: Jalen Rose - Former NBA Player
- During the introductions, Nick Cannon was wearing a shirt that says "I DON'T EVEN PLAY BASKETBALL." Also, the PA announcer clearly said "Stan Everett" instead of "Stan Verrett."
Starting Lineup for the West:
Jesse Williams - Actor
Michael B. Jordan - Actor (not THE Michael Jordan!)
Elena Delle Donne - WNBA Player
Snoop Dogg - Rapper
Kevin Hart - Actor
West Subs:
Mike Golic - ESPN Personality
Tamika Catchings - WNBA Player
Erin Heatherton - Model
Terrence Jenkins - E! News Anchor
Coach: Bill Simmons - Sports Writer
- When the PA announcer introduced actor Jesse Williams, who played a boyfriend in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2," the actor was texting on his phone.
- I noticed that actor Michael B. Jordan is wearing number 45. Fun fact: When the real Michael Jordan came back from his first retirement, he had to briefly wear number 45 with the Bulls (his familiar number 23 was retired). Is actor Michael B. Jordan wearing 45 as a tribute to the great Washington Wizard??
- Stuart Scott reminds Kevin Hart before the game that the actor won the MVP last year despite finishing seventh on his team in points. Hart says he doesn't think his award is tainted, and he predicts he will score 36 points this evening.
- Some fun rules for tonight: The "celebrities" will play four ten-minute quarters with a running clock (until the last two minutes). Only one time-out per team per half. If the game is tied at the end, they will play a two-minute overtime.
First Half Highlights:
- Jalen Rose tells the East that he wants to see a zone defense. I think the "celebrities" are already confused. Oh look, 5'4" actor Kevin Hart is going to take the jump ball for the West. Jon Barry smugly says, "That should count as a turnover."
- The game starts with a missed shot. And now we have back-to-back-to-back turnovers. This is very sloppy. Ball control, people!
- Mark Jones says that actor Kevin Hart is in so many movies that "he's becoming Samuel L. Jackson." Hey, the "Snakes on a Plane" star didn't deserve that!
- The West point guards are nonchalantly passing back and forth, and the shot clock runs out. They didn't even attempt to take a shot, nor did anyone on the team notice the clock winding down. This is sad.
- An announcer says, "Nick Cannon is getting dangerously close to a technical foul for taunting." Taunting who? Victoria's Secret model Erin Heatherton? What exactly is actor/host Nick Cannon saying?
- Bruce Bowen tackles Kevin Hart on a rebound, and Jon Barry wonders if he's going to get a flagrant foul. How funny would it be to get a flagrant foul in a "celebrity" game? If someone's going to get one tonight, my money is on ESPN Personality Mike Golic.
- Kevin Hart said earlier this week that his two "Celebrity" Game MVPs are on par with LeBron James's two NBA Finals MVPs. According to Jon Barry, Hart also said that if he wins a third MVP, he will strip and walk off the court naked. Barry adds that if that's the rule, then he hopes Erin Heatherton wins the award. Gee, really?
- Stan Verrett misses a layup, and the PA announcer says, "Come on, Stan!" No, Mr. PA Announcer man, "come on" to you. You mispronounced Stan's name in the introductions. You, sir, have lost the right to mock the "celebrities."
- The best players on the court are Arne Duncan and Michael B. Jordan. Mike Golic isn't doing much. He's wearing a red jersey with a bright blue t-shirt underneath. It's a very aggressive combination.
- Jon Barry mentions that actor Michael B. Jordan was the MVP at the DirecTV "Celebrity" Beach Bowl held on Super Bowl weekend. So he's a true two-sport athlete! Fun fact: "Celebrities" on his Beach Bowl team included actresses Shay Mitchell and Meghan Markle.
- Kevin Hart...for three! Oh, it's an airball.
- ESPN is showing an interview with Portland Trail Blazers star LaMarcus Aldridge. They have a split-screen so the audience can still see the game during the interview. When Mark Jones tries to recap the action, Jon Barry says he was "more interested in what LaMarcus Aldridge was saying." Even the announcers have checked out!
- Kevin Hart misses a layup, and the PA guy says, "You don't get an assist for that."
- Now Kevin Hart is taking his time walking the ball up the court, and he gets called for a 10-second violation. HA! Then he complains to the ref and gets a technical foul! This is hilarious.
- Mark says that Arne Duncan would be on "the Mount Rushmore of celebrity players." Is Romeo on that monument? What about Erin Heatherton, who I don't think has played yet?
- Kevin Hart has the ball stolen, then tries to get back on defense. He blows past the opponent and runs off the court. Very sloppy, Kevin. Now he tries a three pointer that's so far off that the announcers say, "We'll call it a pass."
Halftime Score: West 35, East 33
- Coach Jalen Rose said he demanded that all of his players stay out until 5 AM last night, just so that they would be loose for the game today. And coach Bill Simmons says his biggest worry is Snoop Dogg's drug test after the game.
Second Half Highlights:
- Before the start of the half, ESPN NBA analyst Chris Broussard interviewed Kevin Love of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Love is an NBA All-Star who's in town for Sunday's game. When asked the best part of this weekend, Love turned to the court and said, "Hopefully, not this." Hilarious! I think Love realized how bad that sounded and backtracked to say that he hopes the real All-Stars score more points. But he actually gave voice to what everyone at home was thinking.
- The announcers remind us that you can now vote for MVP. Barry mentions that actor/comedian Michael Rapaport won the MVP in 2010 for his outstanding defense on Terrell Owens. Owens, a great Buffalo Bill, had won the MVP the previous two years.
- Kevin Hart is now wearing purple shoes, but he still can't buy a bucket. After he takes yet another shot clock violation for the West, Jon Barry says, "It must be tough to see over the defenders." Ouch!
- A commentator mentions that Skylar Diggins "played in a national title game at Notre Dame." Sounds as though someone lost that game. It's the same way that people awkwardly say that Jim Kelly is a "four-time Super Bowl participant."
- Arne Duncan is playing so well that Mark Jones thinks the Secretary "signed an Executive Order to get some buckets." Huh? I get it - he's trying to be cute by using political lingo. But that makes absolutely no sense. Maybe Duncan can "impeach the other team?" Perhaps he can "gerrymander on defense?" Yay for political terms!
- With a minute left in the third, Victoria's Secret model Erin Heatherton enters the game. Mark says, "We're going to see Erin for the first time," and Jon says, "The first time for you." Sounds as though someone has been leering at the West bench. Creepy!
- Someone in the crowd yelled, "Double dribble!" Sir, you could yell that on every possession this evening.
- Barry says, "It's winning time, so get Golic and Greenberg out of there." Then, when Kevin Hart makes a shot, Jones mockingly says that this "is when MVPs shine." It was just dripping with sarcasm.
- Snoop Dogg hits a three-pointer! That shot was even higher than him.
- Romeo steals the ball from Kevin Hart - shock! - and then gets fouled. Mark Jones is asking for a "clear path" foul. (That's when a defender behind the player with the ball fouls to prevent a fast break. It's two free throws and the ball). Unfortunately, no one in the arena seems to know the rule or care.
- With the East leading by three in the final minute, Jon Barry says the key for the West is to "get it out of Kevin Hart's hands." BURN! Then, with the West down by two with 30 seconds to go, Coach Bill Simmons takes Hart out. Jalen Rose is now taunting Hart from the other bench. This is rock bottom for the two-time MVP.
Final Score: East 60, West 56
- Now it's time for the MVP, as voted on by you the fans. Stuart Scott is on the court with a massive trophy for the winner. Oh my goodness, the fans voted for Kevin Hart!
- Hart had 7 points, which was slightly less than the 36 he predicted before the game. Stuart Scott does not seem amused by the fan vote.
- The announcers remind us that you can now vote for MVP. Barry mentions that actor/comedian Michael Rapaport won the MVP in 2010 for his outstanding defense on Terrell Owens. Owens, a great Buffalo Bill, had won the MVP the previous two years.
- Kevin Hart is now wearing purple shoes, but he still can't buy a bucket. After he takes yet another shot clock violation for the West, Jon Barry says, "It must be tough to see over the defenders." Ouch!
- A commentator mentions that Skylar Diggins "played in a national title game at Notre Dame." Sounds as though someone lost that game. It's the same way that people awkwardly say that Jim Kelly is a "four-time Super Bowl participant."
- Arne Duncan is playing so well that Mark Jones thinks the Secretary "signed an Executive Order to get some buckets." Huh? I get it - he's trying to be cute by using political lingo. But that makes absolutely no sense. Maybe Duncan can "impeach the other team?" Perhaps he can "gerrymander on defense?" Yay for political terms!
- With a minute left in the third, Victoria's Secret model Erin Heatherton enters the game. Mark says, "We're going to see Erin for the first time," and Jon says, "The first time for you." Sounds as though someone has been leering at the West bench. Creepy!
- Someone in the crowd yelled, "Double dribble!" Sir, you could yell that on every possession this evening.
- Barry says, "It's winning time, so get Golic and Greenberg out of there." Then, when Kevin Hart makes a shot, Jones mockingly says that this "is when MVPs shine." It was just dripping with sarcasm.
- Snoop Dogg hits a three-pointer! That shot was even higher than him.
- Romeo steals the ball from Kevin Hart - shock! - and then gets fouled. Mark Jones is asking for a "clear path" foul. (That's when a defender behind the player with the ball fouls to prevent a fast break. It's two free throws and the ball). Unfortunately, no one in the arena seems to know the rule or care.
- With the East leading by three in the final minute, Jon Barry says the key for the West is to "get it out of Kevin Hart's hands." BURN! Then, with the West down by two with 30 seconds to go, Coach Bill Simmons takes Hart out. Jalen Rose is now taunting Hart from the other bench. This is rock bottom for the two-time MVP.
Final Score: East 60, West 56
- Now it's time for the MVP, as voted on by you the fans. Stuart Scott is on the court with a massive trophy for the winner. Oh my goodness, the fans voted for Kevin Hart!
- Hart had 7 points, which was slightly less than the 36 he predicted before the game. Stuart Scott does not seem amused by the fan vote.
- Now, in a dramatic turn of events, Hart voluntarily gives the MVP to Arne Duncan. What sportsmanship! Hart was so awful that he couldn't accept the award in good conscience. Notice in the photo above that Nick Cannon is once again wearing his shirt that declares he doesn't play basketball.
- Arne Duncan accepts the award, but he knows he didn't really win it. THIS IS A TAINTED AWARD. I don't know how this goes down in the record books. Are you allowed to just give the award to someone else? If so, why didn't Erin Heatherton win? That's surely what Jon Barry wants to see.
The 2014 NBA All-Star "Celebrity" Game was a concoction of z-list celebs, poor basketball, and an indifferent audience. I thank the "stars" for an enjoyable show but encourage them to keep this off their résumés. Best wishes to all the "celebrities" as they look for paid work going forward!
Photo Credits
Michael Jordan: http://nba.si.com/2013/02/15/michael-jordan-birthday-chicago-bulls/michael-jordan-45/
Kevin Hart: http://espn.go.com/nba/allstar2014/story/_/page/social-moment-celeb-140214/nba-arne-duncan-outshines-kevin-hart-sprint-celebrity-game
Kevin Hart: http://espn.go.com/nba/allstar2014/story/_/page/social-moment-celeb-140214/nba-arne-duncan-outshines-kevin-hart-sprint-celebrity-game
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