Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Movie Idea: "Washington Wizard"

Former NBA legend and "Space Jam" star Michael Jordan returns to the big screen as an undercover FBI agent living on the edge. Jordan works for the "Washington Wizards," a small cadre within the Bureau that breaks up petty and ultimately meaningless crimes. His intensity is legendary; he keeps a framed photo on his desk of a raid on a youth soccer team selling candy without a permit.

Agent Jordan is sitting at his desk when his manager (John Ratzenberger) brings a new case. There is a Battle of the Bands this weekend at the park, and rumor has it that someone is going to mess with the speakers and amps when heavy metal band Pond Scum takes the stage. Pond Scum, which is debuting a new single, has been in a war of words with local bands Screw the Pooch, Soda Jerk, and Gingivitis. The groups are willing to settle the score once and for all at Battle of the Bands.

Ratzenberger, looking to get rid of Jordan for the weekend, assigns the case to the great "Wizard." Jordan plans on posing as a performer, then casually getting to know the bands. From there, he might be able to crack the case.


The morning of the competition, Jordan shows up early to see if bands are looking for last-minute replacements. It turns out that Sky Full of Stars, a Coldplay cover band, is looking for a drummer. Jordan introduces himself, casually mentions that he can't drum, and asks about Pond Scum instead. The band is polite but tells him they can't help.

In a fun cameo, Chris Martin can be seen in the background shooting hoops on a basketball court.

Jordan decides to stand around and observe the other bands. When Pond Scum's equipment shows up, Jordan hangs out near the handlers to see if anyone tries to mess with it. He spots a sketchy-looking man who's looking around uncomfortably. It turns out to be nothing; it was just Steve Buscemi meeting up with his drug dealer.

Dejected and without any leads, Jordan is getting frustrated. He can't get too close to the performers without raising suspicion. Luck turns in his favor when the event organizers announce, "Tripping Billies, a tribute to The Dave Matthews Band, is looking for a drummer. Their regular drummer is sick. Is anyone here a drummer?"

Jordan goes up to the lead singer and says he's played drums for years. Without any time for a tryout, the band takes his word for it. Wouldn't you know - Tripping Billies is standing right next to Pond Scum. Jordan then sees the lead singer of Gingivitis slip the Tripping Billies bassist a $100 bill, and the bassist pulls out a wire from a Pond Scum amp. Sabotage!

Jordan pulls out his gun and screams, "Hands in the air! You are all under arrest!" He calls for backup, arrests the members of both bands, and shoves everyone in the back of a police van. The Battle of the Bands is cancelled.

After a short investigation, it turns out the $100 was from a March Madness bet and had nothing to do with sabotaging equipment. The Tripping Billies bassist was simply replacing a wire - upon request - that needed to be changed in the amp. It was all a misunderstanding. Ratzenberger is furious and holds a press conference apologizing to the town. 

In the end, Agent Jordan is demoted from the Washington Wizards and reassigned to an entry-level position in Charlotte. He is assigned meaningless busywork and has to work every day with his new partner, Bobcat Goldthwait.

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