I decided to DVR a random episode of "Ring of Honor" wrestling and was
pleasantly surprised with what I found.
Let's get to the highlights!
- The show starts off with a montage of wrestling clips, with one aggressively focusing on a man with no teeth. Now they show two male wrestlers and a female backstage telling the camera they are "a kingdom, not a family." One of the guys eerily whispers, "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done." Hey, keep the Lord's Prayer out of it! Also, are we saying "trespasses" or "debts" in this version of the prayer?
- The female says, "Now we can let the Armageddon begin!" How? And there's a dramatic freeze-frame on those three wrestlers holding up their hands in the ring. This looks like a graphics package from a 386 running Windows 95 back in the day.
- "Ring of Honor" is coming to you this week from Lakeland, FL. The arena has single-level seating and is set up in a way to make it look more crowded than it is. This reminds me of the generic Z-list wrestling promotions they would show on ESPN when I was a kid where there were literally five rows of seats followed by a black curtain. Nice camera trick!
- Our announcers are Kevin Kelly and Nigel McGuinness. Kevin is a heavyset man in a black suit, blue dress shirt, and red tie. He literally looks like someone from accounting. Nigel is in all black and has slicked-back hair. As a Brit, he must be the poor man's Lord Alfred Hayes, who you might recall did commentary for the WWF back in the 1980s and 90s.
Lord Alfred Hayes classed up WWF with his sophisticated accent.
- Kevin says, "I can't wait for the return of 'Unbreakable' Michael Elgin." They flash a promotional picture of Michael Elgin on the screen, and he looks like Kurt Angle's cousin. Until they say otherwise, I'm going to assume he's the heir to the Elgin National Watch Company.
Opening Match:
Tommaso Ciampa vs. Cedric Alexander
- The first match of the evening is Cedric Alexander versus "The Sicilian Psychopath" Tommaso Ciampa. Before the match starts, they show a clip of Cedric just laying on the floor backstage with the caption "4 Weeks Ago" in the upper corner. Kevin tells the viewing audience that this was Cedric after "just being attacked" and that the attack "cost him a chance at the world title." Who attacked him? "Unbreakable" Michael Elgin? Come on, Kevin, some of us are unfamiliar with the backstory!
- When it comes to "The Sicilian Psychopath" Tommaso Ciampa, Kevin says "controversy follows this guy wherever he goes." Nice to know. Oooh, Tommaso is now standing on the announcer's table and is yelling at the crowd. Cedric does a flip over the top rope and knocks Tommaso to the ground outside the ring. Sloppy work, Tommaso!
- An advertisement in the corner says that "Ring of Honor" is coming soon to Toledo, San Antonio, and Baltimore. Tickets are going fast! Also, if you want to tweet during the show, please use #WatchROH.
- As the wrestlers trade moves back and forth, Kevin says, "Tommaso was disqualified at 'Champions vs. All Stars,' although he didn't do anything wrong...Go to our website and watch the video." I'm confused. Why was the event called "Champions vs. All Stars?" Couldn't a champion also be an All-Star? As a matter of fact, is there such a thing as a champion who isn't an All-Star? Is this like the Pro Bowl, where players who participate in the Super Bowl skip the event?
Somehow, Tony Parker was both an NBA Champion and All Star in 2014.
- The quality of the match is actually very good. Both wrestlers are doing a lot of high-energy aerial moves without much rest. A lot of the action is taking place outside of the ring, which makes me wonder why no one has been counted out. Note: The referee was very strict about calling a count-out in "Pro Wresting" for the Nintendo.
The "Pro Wrestling" ref was on the ball when it came to count-outs.
- Nigel just randomly said, "All's fair in love and wrestling," which clearly makes him the intellectual of the group. Oh, they are cutting to a commercial break in the middle of the match. A commercial features Brett Favre selling CopperFit compression garments and a person saying that going to ECPI was the best decision he ever made.
- Tommaso is now doing a lot of ground maneuvers, which brings the pace down a bit. There was no way the wrestlers could keep up their original energy for the entire match. Now Tommaso throws two knees at Cedric, and a group in the crowd starts chanting, "One more time! One more time!" Tommaso, however, disappoints the crowd and does not throw a third knee.
- The camera cuts to a crowd shot, and the fan base looks like something from an Anvil concert. The action in the ring keeps going back and forth, with both men getting a two count. Now Tommaso is yelling at the referee, who's standing in the corner. Cedric goes in for a drop kick from behind, Tommaso moves out of the way, and the ref gets knocked out. Classic wrestling plot twist! The ref, by the way, looks like golfer John Daly.
- Tommaso is now doing a lot of ground maneuvers, which brings the pace down a bit. There was no way the wrestlers could keep up their original energy for the entire match. Now Tommaso throws two knees at Cedric, and a group in the crowd starts chanting, "One more time! One more time!" Tommaso, however, disappoints the crowd and does not throw a third knee.
- The camera cuts to a crowd shot, and the fan base looks like something from an Anvil concert. The action in the ring keeps going back and forth, with both men getting a two count. Now Tommaso is yelling at the referee, who's standing in the corner. Cedric goes in for a drop kick from behind, Tommaso moves out of the way, and the ref gets knocked out. Classic wrestling plot twist! The ref, by the way, looks like golfer John Daly.
Anvil probably enjoys "Ring of Honor" Wrestling.
- With the referee still on the ground, Tommaso takes the rope off the turnbuckle pad and starts choking Cedric. Now, John Daly the ref "wakes up" and declares Cedric out for the count. Oh no, the bad guy cheated and got away with it! What willful ignorance by John Daly. No wonder this ref never won the British Open or the PGA Championship.
- Wait a minute. Now Nigel the commentator goes into the ring and asks the ref to check Tommaso's hand. He does and sees the rope. Now Tommaso is disqualified, and Cedric is declared the winner. Justice has been served!
- Tommaso is upset and hits Cedric with a chair as Kevin says, "gimmie a break." (I'm sure Kit Kat wants nothing to do with this promotion). The bell is ringing as two guys in black shirts that say SECURITY on the back run down and start yelling at Tommaso. He is unfazed, though, and does a suplex on Cedric. Now Kevin says, "Just when you think Tommaso Ciampa will play by the rules, he realizes he follows no rules." BURN!
- The crowd is booing loudly. Tommaso then picks up the microphone in the ring and says, "Nigel screwed Nigel" and walks away. Oooooh another BURN. Congratulations to Cedric Alexander on his win!
Second Match:
Moose and RD Evans vs. Worst Case Scenario
- Hilarious: Moose comes out from backstage as his team's music starts to play, and his hands are in the air as if to celebrate. Then, RD Evans runs out from backstage like he's out of position for their formation and stands next to Moose with his hands up. THIS IS NOT HOW IT WENT IN REHEARSAL!
- The team of Moose and RD Evans also has a manager named Ramon. Ramon is holding a piece of poster board with "166-0" written in marker. Per the announcers, this team has a 166 match winning streak on the line tonight.
- It becomes clear that the three wrestlers besides Moose are just terrible. Seriously, Moose could take on all three by himself and win. Kevin casually mentions that one of the wrestlers from Worst Case Scenario is a guy named Elijah Evans IV, which sounds way too pretentious for this event.
- Ramon, who is wearing a suit, is taunting Worst Case Scenario. They cut to him doing some sort of "Hey trucker, honk your horn" motion. Bizarre. Oh, now RD Evans gets tagged in and is doing a Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" dance. This entire match is just absurd.
- The team of Moose and RD Evans also has a manager named Ramon. Ramon is holding a piece of poster board with "166-0" written in marker. Per the announcers, this team has a 166 match winning streak on the line tonight.
- It becomes clear that the three wrestlers besides Moose are just terrible. Seriously, Moose could take on all three by himself and win. Kevin casually mentions that one of the wrestlers from Worst Case Scenario is a guy named Elijah Evans IV, which sounds way too pretentious for this event.
- Ramon, who is wearing a suit, is taunting Worst Case Scenario. They cut to him doing some sort of "Hey trucker, honk your horn" motion. Bizarre. Oh, now RD Evans gets tagged in and is doing a Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" dance. This entire match is just absurd.
No, THIS is the worst case scenario...
- Maria is baking Christmas cookies in the kitchen and comes in to see how the show is going. She mentions that it's smart for Ramon to only use a 99-cent piece of poster board to brag about the winning streak. I mean, he has to make a new one every day, right? Touche, Maria!
- More absurdity: RD gets up on Moose's shoulders, then jumps off and hits someone from Worst Case Scenario. But from Moose's shoulders, he was only as high as the top rope anyway. So why not just use the top rope?? Oh, so fancy! Moose and RD Evans pick up the win to move to 167-0. Back to the drawing board for Worst Case Scenario!
Advertisement: Now on DVD, "Michael Bennett's Bachelor Party." "Ring of Honor" superstar Michael Bennett (who will appear in the main event) recently got married. Now, you can buy a DVD of Bennett taking shots with his bros while scantily-clad women dance around. Nice to see Michael Bennett settling down!
- Now Kevin Kelly is in the ring for a segment with "Unbreakable" Michael Elgin, who I still assume is heir to the Elgin National Watch Company. Elgin comes down the aisle in ripped jeans, a black t-shirt, and suit coat. Casual classy? Now he's standing awkwardly at the top of the ramp. Some cheers, some boos. As he enters the ring, he dramatically strokes his beard as if deep in thought.
- Kevin reminds the crowd that Michael was last seen at "All-Star Extravaganza 6." Wait - was he an all-star, or a champion? Michael now takes the mic and says he decided to "dress nice" to keep up "the corporate image." Then he takes off his sport coat and tries to awkwardly put it on Kevin's head. Huh? Kevin walks out of the ring as I giggle.
- "I was told to come out here and apologize. I'm sorry I didn't come out here and let myself be me." NICE. A classic non-apology apology. He then says, "When you pray for the rain, you have to deal with the mud." Deep! Elgin then gently puts down the microphone and walks away. I am confused. Why was he apologizing? What's the backstory? This whole segment must have sounded a lot better on paper.
- As Elgin is walking back down the aisle, one guy in the crowd is giving him some extremely sarcastic applause.
- Hey, a commercial for Strayer University. Take that, ECPI!
Michael Elgin, who may or may not be an heir.
- Kevin reminds the crowd that Michael was last seen at "All-Star Extravaganza 6." Wait - was he an all-star, or a champion? Michael now takes the mic and says he decided to "dress nice" to keep up "the corporate image." Then he takes off his sport coat and tries to awkwardly put it on Kevin's head. Huh? Kevin walks out of the ring as I giggle.
- "I was told to come out here and apologize. I'm sorry I didn't come out here and let myself be me." NICE. A classic non-apology apology. He then says, "When you pray for the rain, you have to deal with the mud." Deep! Elgin then gently puts down the microphone and walks away. I am confused. Why was he apologizing? What's the backstory? This whole segment must have sounded a lot better on paper.
- As Elgin is walking back down the aisle, one guy in the crowd is giving him some extremely sarcastic applause.
- Hey, a commercial for Strayer University. Take that, ECPI!
Main Event:
The Briscoes vs. The Kingdom
(Hey look, I found the promotional picture)
- The main event for tonight features The Kingdom, which makes sense because they were the ones committing blasphemy in the beginning of the episode. Their opponents are The Briscoes, who unfortunately seem to have nothing to do with Jerry Orbach.
Lennie Briscoe would have a witty one-liner for tonight's match.
- The Kingdom is accompanied to the ring by Maria Kanellis, who Kevin Kelly describes as "the First Lady of ROH." Maria then gives a kiss to Michael Bennett, a member of that team. I wonder what Maria thinks of Michael's bachelor party, which I will remind you is available on DVD. The other Kingdom member, Matt Taven, must feel like a third wheel.
- If you plan on tweeting during the match, please use #BRISCOESvsKINGDOM. Thanks.
- Right off the bat, all four participants are fighting outside the ring. The referee has absolutely no control of the match. Where is the John Daly clone when you need him?? Kevin Kelly says that Michael Bennett has "the best right hand in 'Ring of Honor.'" Who has the best left hand? Moose?
- Oh no, someone just got suplexed through a table. Kevin says it's "the timekeeper's table." Why does the timekeeper have a table? And why is there a timekeeper? I HOPE THE TIMEKEEPER USES AN ELGIN WATCH.
- With all four wrestlers on the ground outside the ring, it's time for a commercial break. Did you know that Shipper's Choice Trucking is looking for long-distance drivers? And that those drivers can make up to $45,000 per year, plus benefits? Hmmm, I've seen commercials for ECPI, Strayer, and a long-distance trucking company. Come on, fans, get a job!
- The Kingdom starts to dominate the match, and they keep tagging each other in. This has all the makings of a dramatic comeback where a Briscoe makes a tag to the fresh partner outside the ring. And there it is! The other Briscoe is now in the ring and starts cleaning house. Both members of the Kingdom are knocked out of the ring.
- Oh, a near pin! Kevin reminds the viewers that "Jay Briscoe has not been pinned in two years." Nice! And now the other Briscoe is doing some kung-fu punches to taunt the Kingdom. Blasphemy!
- Unfortunately, the DVR recording cut off before the match concluded! I checked online, and here's what happened: The Briscoes win, then Adam Cole, a wrestler who supports the Kingdom, runs into ring. He starts getting beat up, and Mark Briscoe gets on the top rope to finish him off. Unfortunately, Maria Kanellis interferes and distracts Mark, who then gets thrown through a table outside of the ring. The commentators close the show by hyping a match next week featuring Jay Lethal.
Overall, "Ring of Honor" was a very entertaining hour of television. The show was more fast-paced and high-flying than WWE. Best wishes to Michael Bennett on marriage, blessings to Moose, and good luck to Tommaso Ciampa as he tries to get his psychopathic behavior under control!
- If you plan on tweeting during the match, please use #BRISCOESvsKINGDOM. Thanks.
- Right off the bat, all four participants are fighting outside the ring. The referee has absolutely no control of the match. Where is the John Daly clone when you need him?? Kevin Kelly says that Michael Bennett has "the best right hand in 'Ring of Honor.'" Who has the best left hand? Moose?
- Oh no, someone just got suplexed through a table. Kevin says it's "the timekeeper's table." Why does the timekeeper have a table? And why is there a timekeeper? I HOPE THE TIMEKEEPER USES AN ELGIN WATCH.
Let's hope the timekeeper's Elgin watch made it through the match.
- With all four wrestlers on the ground outside the ring, it's time for a commercial break. Did you know that Shipper's Choice Trucking is looking for long-distance drivers? And that those drivers can make up to $45,000 per year, plus benefits? Hmmm, I've seen commercials for ECPI, Strayer, and a long-distance trucking company. Come on, fans, get a job!
- The Kingdom starts to dominate the match, and they keep tagging each other in. This has all the makings of a dramatic comeback where a Briscoe makes a tag to the fresh partner outside the ring. And there it is! The other Briscoe is now in the ring and starts cleaning house. Both members of the Kingdom are knocked out of the ring.
- Oh, a near pin! Kevin reminds the viewers that "Jay Briscoe has not been pinned in two years." Nice! And now the other Briscoe is doing some kung-fu punches to taunt the Kingdom. Blasphemy!
- Unfortunately, the DVR recording cut off before the match concluded! I checked online, and here's what happened: The Briscoes win, then Adam Cole, a wrestler who supports the Kingdom, runs into ring. He starts getting beat up, and Mark Briscoe gets on the top rope to finish him off. Unfortunately, Maria Kanellis interferes and distracts Mark, who then gets thrown through a table outside of the ring. The commentators close the show by hyping a match next week featuring Jay Lethal.
Overall, "Ring of Honor" was a very entertaining hour of television. The show was more fast-paced and high-flying than WWE. Best wishes to Michael Bennett on marriage, blessings to Moose, and good luck to Tommaso Ciampa as he tries to get his psychopathic behavior under control!
Photo Credits:
Lord Alfred Hayes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Alfred_Hayes
Lord Alfred Hayes: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Alfred_Hayes
Tommaso vs. Cedric: http://www.rohwrestling.com/news/its-no-dq-when-tommaso-ciampa-takes-cedric-alexander
Tony Parker: http://espn.go.com/nba/player/_/id/1015/tony-parker
Pro Wrestling (NES): http://www.consoleclassix.com/nes/pro_wrestling.html
Anvil: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anvil_(band)
Worst Case Scenario: http://www.wrestlingwithpopculture.com/2012/georgia-wrestling-now-welcomes-stryknyn-worst-case-scenario-and-dewitt-dawson/
RD Evans and Moose: http://www.rohwrestling.com/news/can-former-nfl-lineman-moose-end-thenewstreak-philly
Richard Simmons: http://www.richardsimmons.com/site/official-store/dvd/sweatin-to-the-oldies-3-dvd-detail
Michael Bennett DVD: http://www.rohwrestling.com/news/available-now-dvd-michael-bennetts-bachelor-party
Michael Elgin: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Elgin
The Briscoes vs. The Kingdom: http://www.pwponderings.com/2014/11/11/roh-11-7-2014-recap-review/
Lennie Briscoe: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lennie_Briscoe
Elgin Watch: http://www.keepthetime.com/blog/the-faqs/pocket-watch-size-guide/
Pro Wrestling (NES): http://www.consoleclassix.com/nes/pro_wrestling.html
Anvil: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anvil_(band)
Worst Case Scenario: http://www.wrestlingwithpopculture.com/2012/georgia-wrestling-now-welcomes-stryknyn-worst-case-scenario-and-dewitt-dawson/
RD Evans and Moose: http://www.rohwrestling.com/news/can-former-nfl-lineman-moose-end-thenewstreak-philly
Richard Simmons: http://www.richardsimmons.com/site/official-store/dvd/sweatin-to-the-oldies-3-dvd-detail
Michael Bennett DVD: http://www.rohwrestling.com/news/available-now-dvd-michael-bennetts-bachelor-party
Michael Elgin: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Elgin
The Briscoes vs. The Kingdom: http://www.pwponderings.com/2014/11/11/roh-11-7-2014-recap-review/
Lennie Briscoe: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lennie_Briscoe
Elgin Watch: http://www.keepthetime.com/blog/the-faqs/pocket-watch-size-guide/
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