"Splash" Sinks to New Lows in Dramatic Finale

After seven weeks of botched flips, twists, and somersaults, ABC’s “Splash” mercifully came to an end this week. The three remaining “celebrities” – who somehow advanced further than Louie Anderson – were just a few dives away from the prestigious “Crystal Diving Trophy.” Who stepped up? Who flopped under the pressure? Let’s get to the highlights!

- The final three "celebrities" are actor Drake Bell, extreme skier Rory Bushfield, and “Baywatch” star Nicole Eggert. Based on her filmography, Ms. Eggert did not appear in the short-lived spinoff “Baywatch Nights.” However, she is listed in the cast of the 2003 made-for-TV movie “Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding.” I’m glad she had the chance to work again with the stars of the original show. Fun fact: "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding" is available on Amazon.com for $4.79 (free shipping with Amazon Prime).

- Drake Bell is most known from “Drake and Josh” on Nickelodeon. One of his first roles, however, was on a 1996 ABC Afterschool Special called “Me and My Hormones.” Per IMDB's plot description: “Three women of various generations deal with the many changes taking place in their lives.” Seeing as Drake was 12 at the time, I assume he was one of the sons. If you ever meet Drake Bell, please ask.

- Ok, let’s get on to the show. The announcer promises right up front that tonight’s finale “raises the stakes to an all-time high.” What stakes? Cultural relevance? Technically, this statement is true. When exactly were the stakes any higher on “Splash?” Then again, when were they any lower?

- Joey Lawrence, one of the hosts, is wearing a suit for the finale. His co-host, Charissa Thompson, says that tonight we will find out who’s the “greatest celebrity diver of all time.” How can you say that when Louie Anderson has already been eliminated??

- Speaking of Louie Anderson: ABC brought back all of the “celebrities” who did not make the finale. Those "celebs" are sitting over in the diving lounge area. Louie Anderson is wearing a massive yellow body suit with black dots on it. He looks like a big, slightly-overripe banana.

- When the hosts introduce the judges (David Boudia and Steve Foley), Charissa says that Steve “has more diving knowledge in his swimsuit than most have in their whole body.” Huh??

- Here’s how tonight’s finale will go: The three “celebrities” are going to do the dive of their choice. The top two, per the judges, advance to do a final dive. The live studio audience then picks the winner.

- First up is Nicole. She says that being in the finale is “a dream.” She’s going to do a handstand because it’s “go big or go home.” Actually, everyone is going home tonight. Then she adds that she wants to win “for all of the women out there.” She comments that she’s the only woman left. Yes, Nicole, you are the only women remaining out of a whopping three contestants.

- Nicole dives well, which causes Drake Bell to applaud. It’s as if he’s saying, “If I lose, at least it’s to a worthy competitor.” That was big of Drake. Steve and David give Nicole a good score, but when Steve mentions that there's a minor deduction, one guy in the crowd loudly boos. And it’s a deep, penetrating boo. “Boooooooooooooooo.” Thank you to the lone booer for making me chuckle.

- Before they cut to commercial, ABC shows “outtakes” of the "celebs" hanging out during filming. They show Louie Anderson saying to the camera that he wants a chocolate chip cookie. I hope Louie got a Chewy Chips Ahoy.

 

 Photo: newyork.metromix.com

We'll never know if Louie got that cookie.



- Rory Bushfield is up next. Rory’s wearing a lime green swimsuit with orange zigzags. If they were long tights, it would be something from a WWF match in 1988. Seriously, I could see Ravishing Rick Rude wearing a similar-looking outfit.
 

- “I don’t think any skiers would be impressed if I got beat by a couple of actors,” Rory tells the camera. BURN! Take that, actors Drake Bell and Nicole Eggert.

 

- Rory does some sort of backwards spin and flip. It’s so good that Louie Anderson gives a standing ovation. Charissa, an ESPN analyst, dryly says, “That works.” David Boudia stands up and demonstrates something to show the audience that he knows about this dive. Steve gives a long-winded answer, and David interrupts to say that he won a gold medal with a similar – but better – dive. Rory gets excellent marks and qualifies for the final round.

 

- As they come back from commercial, former contestant Ndamukong Suh pretends to tackle someone in a fake 49ers jersey, and that person falls into the pool. Oh these “celebrities” are so silly!

- Last up is "Me and My Hormones" star Drake Bell. They show him at practice talking to Greg Louganis (the coach) about what dive he wants to do. As he’s talking to Greg, he’s lying on his side and posing like a model. It’s as if he’s on the beach doing a photo shoot for boxer-brief underwear. It’s very odd.

- As Drake struggles in practice, he says that his problems are “mental” and that “walls go up” when you do it incorrectly. “Walls go up?” What is this, a "Bachelor” episode? I was hoping he would mumble something about how he’s here to find love and that his “wife is in this room,” but he didn’t go there.

- Drake does a front dive and lands very awkwardly. It’s clear he won’t make the final. Nicole comes over to add drama. After an unnecessary commercial, former contestant Katherine Webb goofs off and does a cannonball from the high dive. Obviously, she barely makes a ripple. Why waste a cannonball on Katherine Webb when Louie Anderson is ready on the bench?!

- Steve asks Drake to open his robe so we can see how much better his abs look now than three months ago. It’s mildly disturbing. Although he’s eliminated by the judges, Drake assures the viewers that he’s made “great friends” during the journey. So really, don’t be surprised if you see Drake Bell, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Keshia Knight Pulliam having dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s.

 

- Before the final showdown with Rory and Nicole, ABC shows a mock “Top 10” list from the ESPN Sportscenter studios. They count down the worst flops of the season. Each “celebrity” appears once on the list. For Louie Anderson’s “flop,” they just show a low-angle shot of him in practice where he falls into the pool. It’s as if he was asleep, and someone rolled him off the board. I object to classifying this as a blooper.

 

- Nicole is up first for the final dive. Let me mention that she’s the only female left in the competition. She says beforehand that she’s doing a double flip because it’s “go big or go home.” Again, we are all going home!

 

- As she’s getting ready, some string music starts playing in the background. I think it was a stock piece from the “Bachelor” rose ceremony collection.

- Nicole lands on her back – it really looks like that stings. WHY IS THE CROWD CHEERING? Are these Philadelphia Eagles fans? Charissa assures us the medical staff will check if she's ok...after the break. Way to build drama, Charissa!

 

- Ok, they are back. Nicole is just fine, much to Joey Lawrence’s relief. Oh, now they show Nicole’s daughter crying in the crowd. This is getting dark!

- Rory is going to do two and half front flips. Before the dive, he mentions his charity, which is unnecessary. The dive was perfect – seriously, he nailed it. If the crowd votes for Nicole, I will seriously question the integrity of the entire “Splash” franchise.

- Rory and Nicole stand next to each other as the hosts get ready to read the results. They replay the dives for the crowd, which is humiliating because Nicole almost killed herself, and Rory did his perfectly. I feel bad for Nicole, but then again, she is the only female left in the competition.

 

- Before the results are announced, the judges give some praise. David says that Nicole has “been to Hell and back.” No hyperbole there! Steve assures Nicole that she “redefined courage.” Take that, soldiers who stormed the beach at Normandy! 

- Rory is declared the winner. They didn’t show the vote totals, so that’s a black mark on ABC’s transparency. However, Nicole accepted the result without violence. As Rory holds up the trophy, Joey Lawrence makes a shameless plug for the new season of “Melissa and Joey,” which starts May 29 on ABC Family. The show ends with balloons raining down on the "celebrities," who have all gathered for hugs and handshakes.
 

 

 

"Melissa and Joey" returns May 29 on ABC Family.

It was a grueling process, but I feel confident that I know who's the world’s best C-list celebrity diver. Louie Anderson was a worthy competitor. Katherine Webb and Brandi Chastain gave it their all. And who can forget Kendra Wilkenson, who quit after one dive?

If ABC decides to bring back the show for another season, I would strongly encourage the following "celebrities" to participate: Don Cherry, Melinda Doolittle, Lars Ulrich, Eve Plumb, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Cledus T. Judd, David Brisbin, Ina Garten, Ken Jennings, and Tom Bodett.

I wish all the "celebrities" the best as they continue their amateur diving careers!