I'm Pessimistic that Anyone Will Find True Love on "Bachelor in Paradise"

This week marked the debut of "Bachelor in Paradise," the latest spin-off in the "Bachelor" franchise. The description on the DVR read:

"Stars and villains return for a second chance at finding love in an isolated, romantic paradise in Mexico." 

I tip my hat to ABC for openly admitting that villains will be participating in this exercise. Will the villains identify themselves as such? We'll find out as we get to the highlights!

- Host Chris Harrison, who's standing outside a tropical resort, welcomes the viewers. He's wearing an untucked pink dress shirt and light grey suit, much like a character on "Miami Vice." He looks ridiculous.

Chris Harrison must have borrowed a suit from Don Johnson

The contestants start to arrive:

1). Clare (Juan Pablo's season): Clare hugs Chris Harrison and says he "looks amazing." I'd like to remind her that Chris is not one of the "stars and villains" looking for love, so she should please keep her flirting to the actual contestants. She adds she's been "focusing on getting back to being Clare," which I take to mean she's unemployed.

2). Marcus (Andi): Marcus wants to sound sensitive and says it's hard to be on this show because he dated Andi on the last "Bachelorette." Yes, those are fresh wounds, Marcus. Five bucks says he's in the hot tub with three strangers within the hour.

3). Sarah (Sean): Sarah has only one arm and is "super pumped" to be on the show. She adds that Marcus has "piercing blue eyes."

Note: After the contestants say hi to Chris, they walk to a cantina area to begin drinking. 

4). Marquel (Andi): Marquel and Marcus do a "bro hug," much like Rocky and Apollo Creed on the beach in "Rocky III."

5). Daniella (Sean): "I'm from Season 17," Daniella tells everyone in the cantina. She then adds for the camera, "I sometimes make jokes."

6). Graham (DeAnna): He turns to Daniella and jokingly says, "They'll let anyone in here." Burn?? No, they immediately share a friendly hug.

7). Lacy (Juan Pablo): Lacy walks down the beach as "Evil Ways" starts to play in the background. Her icebreaker for potential dates? "I'm from San Diego."

8). Ben S. (Desiree): "I hope this ends well, instead of bad like last time," Ben S. says. I get excited whenever they have two people with the same name and they have to put an initial on the end. It leads to incredibly awkward comments such as, "I really enjoyed my date with Jennifer R."

Marcus says that he remembers Ben S. and adds he's a "bad person." Would you say he's a...villain?

9). Michelle K. (Jake): Michelle K. is having one heck of a time finding a path from the beach to the cantina. Ok, she made it. Per everyone, Michelle K. has a bad reputation.

10). Robert (Desiree): A few girls say he's hot.

11). Dylan (Andi): His idea for love? "I know it when I see it."

12). Elise (Juan Pablo): Elise says she's "blessed to be here" and knows she was brought to the island "for a reason." Isn't that what Terry O'Quinn said on "Lost" for six seasons? Let's all remember her reason for being here when she's passed out drunk on the bar floor.

13). AshLee (Sean): "I wanted to come here to meet Graham." Uh oh. Sounds like we've got ourselves an old-fashioned stalker.

Here are the rules: Each week, there are Bachelor-style dates. At the end of the week, if you are not part of a couple, you are eliminated. Right now, there are seven girls and six guys, and the guys will be handing out roses. Chris warns the group that it will rotate, and the girls will soon have the power.

- At the bottom of the screen, an ad pops up for tonight's local news: "West Coast Brewery Moving to Richmond? Tonight at 11." Great timing, seeing as the cast is quickly becoming drunk.

- If you are wondering who Lacy is, rest assured you aren't alone. She was eliminated on the first night of Juan Pablo's season, so she's certainly not a "star." She says her strategy this time is to "stand out." And what do you know? She and Robert are already making out in the ocean! "Homegirl is ready to party," Sarah observes from the beach.

- Later that night, Marcus tells a sob story about how it's "so recent" and how he's "not over Andi." Where is the soft piano music? Oh, there it is. Wait - a dramatic walk-alone on the beach?? We are layering cliches here, ladies and gentlemen. Save a few cliches for the rest of the season! He adds that he might find his wife here, which proves he's delusional.

- Now Lacy is in the water skinny-dipping with Marcus. Sarah is upset because she liked Marcus, and she was "raised better than that." Yeah, where are those wholesome family values? Robert, who was making out with Lacy earlier, is "shocked" at what Lacy did, and he wants to win her back. Why?? He tells the camera that Lacy is the triple-threat: beautiful, smart, and independent. Fun fact: She is actually none of those things.

- Marcus and Clare are flirting in a swing. He tells her that he and Lacy "had a good conversation" in the ocean. Yeah, I'm sure that nude dialogue they shared was stimulating! It was a mix of fiscal policy and gardening tips.

Unlike Marcus and Lacy, these people are clothed

and getting to know each other on dry land

- Dylan and Elise are now making out in the ocean while Marcus and Clare watch like perverts. Light-hearted jazz music plays in the background to drive home that everyone is having fun.

- The next morning, AshLee mentions that she follows Graham on social media. "We're meant to be together," she psychotically tells the camera.

Date Card: The first date card arrives at the house, and it's for Clare. She chooses Graham, which puts AshLee into a full-blown meltdown. AshLee starts to cry, and during her hissy fit, she says she's "so mad" at him because he accepted a date with another girl. "I wouldn't do that to him," she explains. Then, like any serial killer, she adds, "I'm the only normal person here besides him." 

- Clare is now crying in the woods. She's talking out loud about how much of a trainwreck this date card has turned into. The ABC cameras keep cutting to a raccoon, which implies that she's talking to the animal. Why does ABC want to make it look like she's talking to a raccoon? Clearly, she's not, but it looks very odd. Look, ABC, AshLee is the nutjob here, not Clare!

It's OK to talk to a dog, but not to a raccoon.

- Now Clare retracts the offer to Graham and asks Robert on the date. Graham goes to talk to AshLee, who is still being pissy. They agree to talk tomorrow, which is anti-climatic and solves nothing.

- Robert and Clare go to a local ruins, and it's "incredible" and "unbelievable." Clare: "We have to take a picture...of me at the top. Oh, you're in the picture too." Nice. Later, at the top, they take a few selfies, which surely are now the property of ABC. Robert gets covered in ants, so he takes off his shirt. Now they go to the bottom of the ruins and swim in the ocean. Flirty! Both of them had fun on the date.

Date Card: Another date card arrives, and this one is for Sarah. She chooses Dylan, and he says yes. The date is to some sort of cave. Just to be safe, Dylan takes off his shirt.

- "Coming to Paradise has been about me stepping out of my comfort zone," Sarah tells the camera. Yes, surely you come out of your comfort zone by dating in a cave. They jump into the water and upbeat, inspirational music starts. Shockingly, they are now making out. 

- Back at the house, Lacy is crying because both Robert and Dylan got dates. Remember, she made out with both of them in the ocean on the first day. Lacy asks Robert if he kissed Clare, and he says no (it was implied that they kissed, but you didn't actually see it). Despite the denial, Lacy is still whining.

TWIST: Michelle M., the villain from Brad Womack's season, enters the house. You just never know what's coming next! That's what makes "Bachelor in Paradise" so dangerous.

Date Card: Michelle M. has a date card, and she wants to talk to Graham. Not surprisingly, AshLee is giving dirty looks. Michelle explains that she and Graham know each other from "Bachelor Pad" and they "love each other." Outside, they reminisce and agree that "Bachelor Pad" was "beautiful."

- When Marquel does the math and notes that "two girls could be going home," he's immediately inducted into Mensa.

If there are six boys and eight girls, will two girls be sent home?

- AshLee goes to talk to Graham, and she pretends to apologize for her outburst. Graham thought the whole hissy fit was "a big red flag," which actually makes him the intellectual of the group. They share an awkward hug.

- Michelle asks Marquel to the date. She says she feels "insecure" about her age (33) because she has stretch marks. For some reason, I don't think this is going to stop her for making out with multiple people in the ocean.

- The date involves the two of them riding on horses along the beach. It literally looks like something from a romance novel. They aren't even talking, because they are on different horses. This is not a date - it's just two people riding separate horses on sand! ABSURD.

This date was signed and approved by Fabio

- Back at the house, Marcus says that he liked the date with Sarah, but also has a crush on Lacy. If he gets a date card, he would definitely want to take "her." Who? Which one? Who's "her?" Way to cover your bases, Marcus. YOU AREN'T GOING TO FIND LOVE BY COVERING BASES, MARCUS.

Date Card: Lacy gets a date card and picks Robert. The date consists of dinner by the ocean, and Robert is literally wearing an unbuttoned plaid shirt with a wife-beater underneath. It's as if we're in redneck paradise.

- Robert is feeding food to Lacy, but the chemistry is terrible. Just get into the water and make out already. Lacy adds that she is just "happy to get away from the house," which is what every guy wants to hear. Ok, we can all rest easy because they're making out in the ocean.

- It's time for the last cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison goes over the rules again, then adds, "Ladies, anything you want to do, this is the time." What exactly does that mean? What sort of R-rated ideas did he have in mind? The contestants all mingle, and there is some atrocious flirting before the rose ceremony.

- At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison is holding a glass of champagne. Why? Is he trying to get drunk before the ceremony? LEAVE THAT TO THE STARS, CHRIS. The men line up on one side and the women are on the other, much like a middle school dance.

- Before the first rose is handed out, Michelle K. announces she didn't make a connection and is leaving. We didn't really see Michelle K. during the episode, so no real loss. This is good for the girls, as only one other woman is going home tonight.

The roses were handed out in this order:

Marquel --> Michelle M.

Graham --> AshLee

Dylan --> Elise

(The electric guitar is just wailing in the background at this point).

Marcus --> Lacy

Robert --> Clare

Ben --> Sarah

(Daniella has been eliminated)

- As Daniella is ushered into the Loser Limo, she tells the camera, "I don't deserve to be in this car." You're right, Daniella. You deserve so much better than this. The sad "someone just got eliminated" guitar-strumming adds emotion to the moment. Oh look - now there's thunder and lightening in the background! This is God's way of crying on this whole spectacle.

Next week: "Why did Michelle K. really leave? We'll reveal the shocking hookup that ended in tragedy." HUH?? Also, we find out that someone has a girlfriend back home. Drama!

"Bachelor in Paradise" was surprisingly enjoyable. I have full confidence that the contestants will find love in various cantinas. Best wishes to all of the stars and villains as they continue to make out in the ocean under the careful watch of Chris Harrison!

Photo Credits:
Miami Vice Suit: http://www.pinterest.com/vonsachsen/dyt-men-type-1/
Rocky and Apollo: http://aznbadger.wordpress.com/2011/04/28/the-top-10-manliest-man-moments-4-rocky-ends-communism/
Conversation: http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/5-great-conversation-starters/#.U-ghgPldWMM
Scooby Doo: http://www.dccomics.com/comics/scooby-doo-team-up-2013/scooby-doo-team-up-3
Einstein: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Einstein
Fabio: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/15/fabio-birthday-best-book-covers_n_2868943.html