Thoughts on the Dramatic "Bachelor" Finale

This was originally written on March 14, 2013.

The "Bachelor" wrapped up its 17th season on Monday, and as expected, the finale was a absolute trainwreck. Before I even turned it on, I asked Maria if she wanted to watch the "Bachelor" finale or an episode of "Castle." She was already tired and said, "I want something where I don't have to pay attention." Ok, "Bachelor" it is!

Let's get to the highlights:

- Sean starts out by assuring the viewers that he didn't know "it would be this hard." I don't know if you've heard, but he's in love with two different women. This moment can only be captured by soft music and wide-angle shots of him pondering into the distance. We're off to a nice, cliché-filled start.

- The family shows up to Thailand to meet the two girls. I see that ABC did not rent a limo, but rather is using a high-end mini van. I guess that's more appropriate for the mountain terrain. The van seems like a nicer version of the vans the bad guys would drive in "CHiPs."

 

- Before either girl shows up, Sean tells the camera, "I truly believe my wife is here." How funny would it have been if a random Thai girl then walked in, and Sean proposed to her?

 

Catherine Meets the Family

 

- Catherine is up first. During lunch, she tells the family that she played on a boys football team in 6th grade, but then got injured and started cheerleading. Sean's father says, "I'm loving you." Oooooo! The father throws out the first L-bomb. Nice.

 

- The family appeared to be eating a soup, and Sean wipes his entire face like he's sweating profusely. Was it a spicy soup? Did someone add red pepper flakes? They didn't do any follow-up. Why eat hot soup in Thailand??

 

- Catherine tells Sean's mom this nugget: "He makes me feel true about myself." His mom is convinced that Catherine's great. She would be a wonderful addition to the family. She's the best. This conversation is going great.

 

- Sean's dad tells Catherine that he will be her "biggest cheerleader" if she ends up joining the family. A reference to her old activity? Did he just come full circle? Well played, Sean's dad! The family reunites and all agrees that she's "great."

 

Lindsay Meets the Family

 

- Next up is Lindsay. As Sean is walking her in to meet the family, he clearly grabs her rear end. Oh he's so goofy! Aren't they goofy?? Everyone is goofy and happy.

 

- Sean's dad is wearing an untucked blue dress shirt with a PINK undershirt. It's as if he totally forgot he had plans today and was just wearing a shirt from Nickelodeon's "Wild and Crazy Kids." Then he thought, "Oh gosh, I need a dress shirt! No time for a belt. Just leave it untucked."

 

- "How do you know you're in love?" Sean's father asks. "I just know," Lindsay replies. Then she mumbles something about "communication," which the father seems to enjoy.

 

- Sean's father says that he and his wife have been praying since Sean was born that he'll find a good wife. And if it turns out to be her, then he's very happy. WAIT! He's telling both Lindsay and Catherine that they are the best. Can anyone in this family make a decision?? It came off as really slimy.

 

- Lindsay then sits down with Sean's mom. "Our first date felt like our fifth date," Lindsay explains. Huh?? Does this mean their fifth date felt like their ninth? In any case, Sean's mom is impressed. "She really put herself out there," she tells the camera. Yes, but did they have "an amazing connection?" We'll never know.

 

- Sean and his mom now take a walk alone. Oh no, she's crying. I keep focusing on Sean's massive watch, which looks like something Kevin O'Leary would wear on "Shark Tank." I especially enjoyed how ABC played the "someone just got eliminated" guitar-strumming music as Sean consoles his mother.

 

Last Date With Lindsay

 

- Lindsay is up first for the final date. This is bad news because Catherine gets to "bat last." She'll get the final word. In any case, the date is Sean and Lindsay floating down a river in a boat. Sean has on a robin's-egg-blue tank top, and Lindsay is barely wearing pants.

 

- As they are going down the river, Sean points out that Laos and Myanmar (Burma) can be seen in the distance. Lindsay is shocked that they are "so close." I am sure the victims of human rights abuses in Burma are really torn about whether Sean is going to pick Lindsay or Catherine. Not even Sean knew it was "going to be this hard."

 

- As they are going down the river, it seriously looks as though ABC put a green screen in the background with the scenery going by. It looks so fake! Now Sean is looking down Lindsay's shirt. Ok, now they are making out. Well done.

 

- At their final dinner, Lindsay says, "I'm nervous. What are you thinking?" Sean has this gem: "I'm happy I'm here now." Yeah, not so much tomorrow when you're with Catherine! Sean then tells the camera, "Right now, she's the one for me," and I laugh out loud.

 

Last Date With Catherine

 

- Sean is rocking a purple v-neck, and Catherine - like Lindsay - is barely wearing pants. They are going to ride an elephant. Fun! Nothing says true love like riding a large animal together. There is a hired hand walking along with the elephant. Is this the same guy from the boat yesterday? I hope so.

 

- Catherine is wearing massive "Jenny from the Block"-sized earrings. Now they are in a makeshift hut, and Catherine says she worries about "putting herself out there." She then says that she can't see herself rejecting his proposal. Get it?? Because that implies he's going to propose! Oh Catherine, you are so sneaky.

 

- At the end of the day, Catherine drops the L-bomb, but Sean replies with "Thank you for that." Now Catherine is doubting herself. When Sean leaves, she dramatically dives onto her bed. Is this a promo for "Splash," featuring Louie Anderson? Who knows?

 

- NO JOKE: In the next segment, ABC puts up a promo in the corner for 'Splash!" Once again, I literally laughed out loud.

 

Final Scenes

 

- Here comes Neil Lane with the ring. He only gets about 60 seconds of air time, which makes me think they left a lot on the cutting room floor.

 

- After lots of filler, they get to the big moment. First up is Lindsay, which means she's the runner-up. Chris Harrison takes her out of the limo, then makes her navigate a convoluted series of bridges and walkways to get to Sean, who is on some sort of dock.

 

- He's "amazed" by her and "wants to give his heart," but he just can't. Lindsay is getting upset, of course. Then he makes it worse by saying he loves her! FAIL! Why?????? If you love her, why are you breaking up? He assures her this is the hardest thing he's ever done, which doesn't get much sympathy.

 

- This was so hard, he says. Now she's crying. WHERE IS THE SOFT PIANO MUSIC? Oh, there it is. She "didn't see this coming." The strings dramatically crescendo in the background. Exit stage left.

 

- I had a thought: How funny would it be if the SUV that takes her away stalled when they tried to leave? Then Sean would have to stand there awkwardly with Lindsay as the ABC hired hand / paddler / elephant trainer fixed the engine.

 

- Now it's time for Catherine. Before the commercial break, Chris Harrison gives Sean a letter "that could change everything." DRAMA! No, it's just a letter from Catherine declaring her love. The best part: Sean and Catherine have voiceovers "reading" the letter as Sean dramatically looks at it. I think they should have hired Al Pacino to read it as the voiceover.

 

- Sean tells Catherine when she makes it to the dock that he loves her, wants to be with her forever, etc. He opens the ring case with the massive NEIL LANE logo on it. He once again declares his love, which is ironic because he just did the same thing to Lindsay 10 minutes ago.

 

- In the final scene, they leave by riding off on an elephant. Boooooooooooooooooooo!

 

Overall, this finale had everything I hoped for. It's hard to believe, but ABC manages to raise the bar for absurdity every single year. Blessings to Lindsay, blessings to Catherine, blessings to Sean, and blessings to the cast! In the words of Chris Harrison, it was the most....dramatic....finale.....ever!