This was originally written on July 12, 2012.
Well it was down to the final three on "The Bachelorette" this week, and that can only mean one thing: A final round of dates - including the Fantasy Suite option - for the remaining contestants. And yes, I do think of them as contestants.
The crew headed off to Curacao, which is known mostly for Little League baseball. But as they showed the gorgeous water and beautiful beaches, a somber Emily reminds the camera that she's "in love with more than one person."
Date 1: Sean
- Sean shows up for his date sporting a blue v-neck shirt and Nantucket-red shorts. Emily immediately whines to the camera that Sean hasn't dropped the L-bomb yet. But last week, Chris told Emily he loved her, and he was eliminated! I have the feeling each guy is going to drop the L-bomb this week because that's the last "Hail Mary" they have before the finale.
- Hey look, it's the ABC chopper! And it's painted yellow and blue, which is a great marketing opportunity for either Ikea or Carmax.
- After flying around for a bit, Emily and Sean sit on the beach to talk. Emily is concerned that Sean's parents said his past relationships were more like "buddies." Sean admits that he wasn't the best boyfriend in his last relationship. Then he adds, "Not to be cliché, but I loved her. I just wasn't in love with her." Wow - good thing he didn't use a cliché!
- At dinner, Sean has changed into a v-neck white undershirt and robin egg-blue shorts.
- After a painfully awkward conversation, Sean pulls out a letter he wrote to Ricki (Emily's daughter). Based on the handwriting in the note, it looks as though it was written by his mom. He vows to never try to replace her father, but "she will be his daughter." It's a little creepy. I was kind of hoping he used phrases such as "Don't ever speak of your dad," "I am not paying for college," and "Call me 'sir.'"
- Sean drops the L-bomb, and Emily is pleased. This was good timing by him, seeing as the Fantasy Suite is coming into play. As Sean reads the Fantasy Suite card from Chris Harrison, the handwriting looks strikingly similar to the letter Sean "wrote" for Ricki! Did Chris Harrison also author Sean's note?? Scandal!
- Emily and Sean agree to go to the Fantasy Suite, but not to spend the night. In all seriousness, I find this refreshing. Emily says she wants to set a good example for her daughter. Then why is she making out with 20 different guys?? Although I think she made the right decision with the Fantasy Suite, why is this the line in the sand? LOGIC FAIL.
Date 2: Jef with one "f"
- Jef shows up to his date with a generic black t-shirt featuring a pocket in the front. What's with all the casual attire?
- Emily invites Jef on a boat ride, which seems to be a step down from the ABC chopper. Jef says, "We're in the middle of the ocean," even though you can clearly see the shore about a quarter-mile in the background.
- Jef throws this nugget to the camera: His relationship with Emily is like "a crazy painting" that he "didn't understand at first." But now that he "steps back," he can "see the masterpiece." So Sean and Arie are also in this painting?
- At dinner, Jef says he hopes to have "many more dates" like the one today. Really? How often do you think you're going to have a random fun day in Curacao? Is this a regular occurrence? Curacao ~= Applebee's.
- Emily is wearing a MASSIVE turquoise ring. Maria believes it's "a Kendra Scott." Now they are making out at the table. When the Fantasy Suite card comes, Jef worries that it will send the wrong message to her daughter. Emily agrees, so they just go to the suite for a little while to kiss. Emily says Jef is perfect, which is funny because five minutes ago, she said Sean is perfect. Question: Will Arie be perfect?
Date 3: Arie
- Emily is wearing a dress that looks like a disgruntled Sherwin Williams employee threw together random paints.
- The two of them go swimming, and Emily says they are "in the middle of the ocean." NO. I CAN SEE THE SHORE! Seriously people, you are not in the middle of the ocean. Later, when the two of them are making out on the boat, Arie appears to be wearing athletic shorts from a 1980s Italian soccer player.
- At dinner, Arie sports a massive watch. I wrote "comedy prop" in my notes. Seriously, this thing is huge. Why does he need such a big watch?
- Neither of them has touched dinner. The plate appears to be a random assortment of colors with no clear pattern. I literally have no idea what they are eating. It's like the course made by the terrible chef on "Chopped" who gets cut after the appetizer round.
- Emily says, "Even when I pick up someone else for a date, I look for you." Huh??
- The two of them agree to make out, but there was no Fantasy Suite card for some reason.
Meeting with Chris Harrison
- Emily and Chris Harrison sit down for a chat. Chris is in a comfy pair of khakis and an untucked dress shirt. "You seemed a little off last week," Chris says while showing off his massive watch. What's with all the big watches??
- Emily is spewing clichés such as "I'm following my heart" and "I'm not ready to say goodbye." My favorite part was this dialogue:
Chris: Can you put into words how hard this is?
Emily: No.
(And that was the end of the conversation).
Final Ceremony
- Before the ceremony, they play video clips of each guy giving a final argument as to why he should stick around. Sean, in an aqua shirt, says he loves her. Jef, in what appears to be a wifebeater and an open dress shirt, says he will "always defend her." Arie, who has a different background than the other two, says she's "beautiful inside and out."
- At the ceremony, all are dressed "island casual."
- Fun fact: The show was on Monday, and on the tape, they had the "storm tracker" severe weather alert scrolling on the bottom of the screen. This was a perfect metaphor for the natural disaster this show is.
- Emily sends Sean home, and as they are talking on a bench, she says, "I wanted it to be you." Huh?? Come on, Emily. You have 100% control! If you wanted it to be him, why isn't it him? It's like saying, "I was really hoping I would pick you." FAIL.
Coming Up
- Next week is the "Men Tell All" episode. Then tune in on a special night - Sunday, July 22 - for the dramatic conclusion!
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